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tv   wusa 9 News at 11pm  CBS  September 21, 2013 11:00pm-11:35pm EDT

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>> all right, in football, the turnover. >> you give it to the turf, bac, again. all right,ack the maryland footl team is on a roll and today they were one win, they played in
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west virginia. it's the turk's third in threere years. and it's the fumble at the west virginia 24-yard line.4-y tipped and caught byard dave foa six yard score, 7-0 turks, and the mountaineers struggleders today. customs up with a pick 6. and maryland, 14-0.4- and second quarter, 23-0. and it wassianic with a pick of his own, and it leads to ads t a touchdown. since 189989, the final, 3 -0.3. and here's the head coach.oach >> one of the things thatat happens, we go to connecticut cn and things didn't go the way we wanted too early. things fell behind.el and evenl today, we have didn't have things going for us right t away. we drop a punt and put ourselves in a hole and special teams, and
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we get that capitalized and get ourselves going. today we reacted very positively. >> marshall in a downpour, 3 minutes left, and hokies down 7. and they're facing the fourth down. caught by willie burns for aurnr touchdown. and flash forward to wanted third ot touchdown. slips through his hands, and virginia tech outlasts marshalla in triple overtime. vmi, second quarter, throws down the middle, to the back ofk the end zone.
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they win 49-0. finally, after a three-hour, 46 minute rain delay, tonight's marlin's game has been postponed. the two teams will play a doubleheader tomorrow. and they tried to wait it out ot but the rains are not letting up.ra and they're four games back in n the wildcard chase. 11 hours after falling tofan the rays in 18ins, bottom of 5,, no score, and jennings has a full count and full swing. a 3-run home run.eru and the rays win 5-1. and the birds are 3 and a half h games out of the final wildcardl if e.e. >> and be sure to join usin u tomorrow for the preview game at 11:30. and right after the game, the post-game show.postam for the fans who stuck around. >> god bless them.>god >> all right, that's it for us,u
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and thanks for joining us join tonight and see you tomorrow. ou.
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( engine stops ) ( grunts ) oops, missed one.
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( groans ) you know, the first time i chopped a head off, i was eight years old. it was a rabbit. he'd been breaking all the rabbit rules. everyone knows rabbits hop and eat carrots. but this rabbit walked and ate coconuts. so i chopped its head off. i knew my mom wouldn't understand, so i hid his head in my favorite lunch box and tossed it into the water. that was my first time being a hero. good talk. now bye. ( grunts ) ( moans ) hey, life vest on. you know the rules, kiddo! son!? where do you think you're going? boy: one day, at the scene of the fire
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the cop found the perfect axe. that was the day he became axe cop! so he had tryouts and hired a partner. axe cop: i will chop your heads off! oooh chihuahua, axe cop, don't kill the messenger, but i got some bad news. our gun bill was through the roof last month. holy cow. if we wanna buy more bullets, we're going to have to get second jobs. ( knocks ) ( axe cop reading ) hey, flute cop, what's the kind of dad that gets paid to be a dad? i think you're talking about a foster dad. problem solved, flute cop. i will be your foster dad and i'll use the money to buy bullets. or not. axe cop, as a dad i have to say this, i just have to say it: raising a child is a huge responsibility.
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i know. that's why i'm going to find him a mom to take care of him. oh, axe cop! last year, me and a couple buddies found out about this place out in the deserts of las vegas where for a small fee, they'll set you up with a girl. - how much does it cost? - $15. you two stay here and babysit my foster son. - grey diamond and i are going to las vegas. - whoo-hoo! they have a roller coaster on top of a hotel. ...and the second-best brunch is at lucky lucy's saloon. it's great, but you gotta get there early 'cause they run out of french toast fast. axe cop: this is the place. - ( axe cop grunts ) - whoa! ( car alarm blaring ) hello, welcome to the perfect match machine and wedding chapel. before we get started, we're gonna need you to fill out this form. i don't fill out forms, todd. gimme that! i love paperwork. one time me and my buddy filled out like 10 forms at once. - it was like, what? - now step into the machine. it will scan your brain and find your perfect match.
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( chimes, booms ) ( printer clacks ) what the heck? in my 20 years of working here i've never seen anything like this. you are the ultimate man. tell me something i don't know, todd. there is literally not a single woman on this planet - good enough for axe cop. - let's get outta here, grey diamond. awesome! that gives us some time to hit the strip and try our luck on some games of chance. wexter! ( whistles ) - ( glass smashes ) - ( growls ) ( groans ) i lost everything in the casinos of las vegas. foster kid, i couldn't find you a mom in las vegas so that leaves me with no choice. i can't be your dad. axe cop, you just can't foster a child and then decide you don't want him. you need to take some responsibility. hmmm, my tri-annual learn out for kids - is coming up this weekend. - oh, that's perfect! that would really give you two some father-foster son bonding time.
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and if i teach him how to be more like me, the ultimate man, he could be the ultimate son! ( dramatic music playing ) now if you're here for sockarang's sockattacks 101, follow him to cabin "b." who's ready to go nuts?! - sockattack! sockattack! - ( kids laughing ) if you're here for grey diamond's "best friend" seminar, - raise your hand. - ( cheering ) now the thing to consider when picking a best friend is who lives closest to your house. - dinosaurs, follow wexter. - ( roars ) and if you're here for the axe learn out, pick up your wooden axes and follow me. i said dinosaurs follow wexter! ( sighs ) - ( grunting ) - right. right. right. - ( whistle toots ) wrong! - whoa whoa whoa! axe cop, can i have a quick word with you? you got to lighten up on that kid. how about instead of yelling at him, you show him how to improve. but he's terrible at everything.
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there's no way he could be my foster son. the kid just needs some encouragement. i know you can do it, axe cop. ( sighs ) psst, kid, you asleep? i wanna tell you something about me that you probably don't know. i have three world records. the first is for the most axe blades. - ( grunts ) - i just pushed a button on my axe - and 1,000 blades came out. - ( screaming ) the second is for being the world's fastest chopper. i pushed a button on my chest and a robotic arm came out and fed me an axe star energy drink. i ran past 1,000 bad guys super fast. but it was so fast, my axe was invisible. wait, what? my third world record was the hardest to get. i went to jump school, which was taught by jump man. he could jump just a little bit into space. being the best jumper
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is the only thing that gives me jo-oooy! axe cop: but i made my parents let me keep going to jump school every year. i was going to go until i could beat jump man. and one day, i did it. - i jumped all the way into outer space. - ( gasps ) - no! - that's how i got the world record for highest jumper. ( sobs ) no. the point is i have three world records when most everyone has none. but i had to work hard to get them-- at least i had to work hard to get one of them. good night, foster son. ( whooshing, thudding ) ( grunts ) oh, not bad, but you are still kicking a little too high. try it again, but lower. i think you're ready for something more advanced. axe face kick!
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- pouncing tiger kick! - ( roars ) spinning tornado kick! i saw a lot of losers turn to winners this weekend. but there was only one super winner - who learned all the kicks. - even the flaming falcon kick? - mm-hmm. - even the upside down face kick? - yep. - even the spinning tornado kick? - with a plum. - wow. good job, little guy. here's your very own real axe. i'm proud of you. you're not just my foster son, you're my ultimate son. now follow me. it's time for you to become a hero, like your ultimate dad. see that hole? it's filled with a lot of good rabbits. but there's always one who breaks all the rules. so when he strolls out here casually eating a coconut, that's when i want you to chop his head off. it's time. do it now.
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( sniffs ) - now! - ( growls ) ( grunting ) ultimate son, what has gotten into you? ( distorted voice ) i'm not your ultimate son. i'm your ultimate enemy-- the soul of your first kill. and now i'm back to kill you. you're the soul of the rabbit that broke all the rules? i'll chop your head off again! you can't defeat me! you've taught me all of your kicks, dummy. wrong. there's one kick i didn't teach you because it didn't exist until now. - axe cop soul kick! - ( soul yells ) ( roars ) ( moans )
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all i ever wanted to do was walk around and eat coconuts. then you shouldn't have been born a rabbit. - ahhh! - ( screams ) where am i?! hmm. there goes all that foster-dad money. ah, i guess i was wrong, buddy. i'm sorry i told you to take that kid under your wing. but i still think spending time with him taught you a very valuable lesson. right? no? - yeah, right? - yes, it did. i learned that if you're going to kill something, you have to make sure you kill its soul too. yeah, that sounds about right. you were my foster son, but i never gave you a name. now i can. last name "rabbit," first name... "dead." ( flute playing "amazing grace" )
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( hits awkward note ) ah, hold on. ( hits awkward note ) it sounds wrong. it's like off tune, right? what is that?
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( kids chattering ) amber, what are you doing? i thought we agreed to wear the same outfit today. cassandra, what are you talking about? no, we didn't. can't you just try to be original? my way of being original is dressing exactly like someone else. - no one else does that. - ( lisping ) excuse me, pardon me, - excuse me. - hey, you're late! punctuality is politeness, "brainstein"!
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- now sit down and shut up. - settle down, brad. you shut up too, you fatty. and you-- put out that stinky cigarette. it's gonna kill you... before i do. - ( exhales ) - man over p.a.: all right, everybody, quiet down, quiet down plea-eee-se. don't make me be the bad guy. i'm so bad at it. don't make me blow the whistle. ( blows, no sound ) - ( barking ) - ( crowd "awww"s ) okay, that's better. now i want to talk to you about something extremely troubling: bullying. so what is a bully? let's break it down. shall we? a bully is... "bullyish. ungood. like him?" nope. "like him a lot less n yep. and "why?" because he's a... - bully. - ( gasps ) we will simply not tolerate their intolerance. they're not welcome at high school u.s.a. today, tomorrow and certainly not this friday at our "it gets better after high school" high school dance. yeah!
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- ( cheering ) - bullies suck! bullies suck! bullies suck! be louder or i'm going to hit you! bullies suck! come on, louder! ♪ well, i can't wait till i get old ♪ ♪ and my memories start to unfold ♪ ♪ about high school u.s.a. ♪ ♪ these are the good old days ♪ ♪ my obituary will relay ♪ all my fun times here at high school u.s.a. ♪ gosh, that assembly sure was worrying. yeah, i'm so glad none of us are bullies. and if one of us was a bully, brainstein, i'd totally beat the bullying right out of him. totally. why would anyone choose to be a bully when you would totally get banned from the high school dance? totally. i can't wait to go to the dance. marsh and i are double-dating with my parents. huh, that's funny, 'cause i'm double-dating with marsh and your parents! sorry, girls, but i'm not going with either of you. - ( unison ) why!? - well, as you have been nice enough to not point out, i'm just over three lbs overweight, and that's going to make it impossible
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for me to fit in my skinny-tux, which is going to depress me into spending friday night binge-eating cheesecake in hopeless misery. which is actually kind of awesome because i love cheesecake! so you could say i'm kind of looking forward to friday night. oh great! both of you girls can go with me. - ( bangs ) - and i won't take no for an answer. uh, that sounds a little rape-y, brad. no, it's worse than rape, amber. - brad's a bully. - wait, what? - like me-brad? - just look at the way you treat blackstein. this is just our dynamic, marsh. i say something that upsets brad and brad expresses himself by punching me in the face. see? blackstein, that's the definition of a bully. if he was a bully, why would he give me such a nice nickname like brainstein? because he's being ironic. he thinks you're stupid. oh, that's what "ironic" means. blackstein, you need to stand up for yourself. you're crazy! i'm not a bully. i am not a bully! - ( sobbing ) - brad, come back here! - ( sobbing continues ) - great! - there goes our date for the dance. - thanks a lot, marsh.
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now you two eligible bachelor-le-lor-lorettes can go with me. gross, blackstein. we'd rather lez out with each other than go with you. mmm, totally. - ( kissing ) - hmmm. i sure am worried about brad. ( dogs bark ) i'm not a bully! i am not a bully! i'm not a bully! hey, i know you. what's up, brainstein? ( grunts ) oh, went straight through. - ( phone chimes ) - hold on. i got a text. "i know how you feel. meet me at the corner of wedgieland and swirlybrook if you want to talk"? yeah okay, but i'll tell you something. nobody tells-- oh wait, i gotta type it. "okay, but nobody tells me what to do. exclamation mark. not happy face." - hey, i know you. - did my clove give me away? you're the creepy dork that smokes way too much. - which is, at all. - you know, brad,
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you and i, we've got a lot in common, me and you. just a couple of misunderstood bullies. - ( coughs ) - i'm no bully! and a nerd like you sure isn't! - oh, is that so? check this out. - ( chimes ) hold on, hold on. i got a text. how could you write that about someone you knew had feelings? i'm a cyber-bully, see? just like you, only smarter. and meaner. ( sobs ) now i have something to show you. you will follow me this way. - ( techno music playing ) - whoa! - ( grunting ) - what is this place? welcome to antagonerds. cyber-bully: here bullies can be bullies in the most exclusive of private settings. - ( toilet flushes ) - no longer will we be afraid to terrorize dorks, nerds - and worst of all, goofs. - wait, one question: why are all these dorks putting up with this? - oh, they are just perverts. - c'mon, hurry it up, will ya? - my wife thinks i'm out buying groceries. - come on, give it a try.
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- first one is free. - ( grunts ) this feels good. i'm seeing myself for the first time! ( whistling ) - ( laughter ) - boy: oh my god. i love to laugh too. let me see that! ( grunting ) this feels good! - ha ha, you're a bully. - i am not! hey, bully! why don't you go and punch-- brad: stop it! shut up! that's not funny! be nice to me! ( sarcastically ) ow ow ow, the bully is hurting me, ooh! ( tearfully ) ow ow ow, the bully is hurting me! ( chuckles ) well, it looks like someone just bullied his way out of tonight's high school dance. - ( kids laugh ) - how could you do this to me after our beautiful night together?! super sorry, bro, but i'm a bully. - ( brad sobbing ) - congratulations, marsh. you were right about brad being a bully. yeah well, being right doesn't always feel good. so how does it make you feel? fat.
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okay, cheesecake, here i come! hey, marsh. shouldn't you be at the high school dance with the gang? you know, amber, cassandra, blackstein and brad. well, i just don't know if i should be friends with brad anymore, - him coming out as a bully and all. - bully? so what? well, dad, bullies are the single worst thing a kid can be. marsh, bullies are the cornerstone of a functioning society. i mean, if i didn't grow up being bullied constantly, how would i know what my place was in life? i'd walk around all cocky and confident, and that's just not me. - it's not? - no! those are all the attributes of bullies. - and you see how we treat them. - oh yeah! so you go out there and embrace your friend brad. he's providing a very healthy part of growing up. - it's not an easy job. - you're right, dad! i'm going to that high school dance and i know who i'm taking as my date! our plan worked, cheesecake. - ( barking ) - ( doorbell rings )
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- ( tv playing ) - ( doorbell rings ) brad, get down here! - i'm trying to watch my commercials! - ( doorbell ringing ) - ( groans ) - ( knocking ) good evening, mrs. slovee. is bradleyfurd home? brad, you have company! hey, what took you so long, heh? s-sorry, mom, sorry. i was just masturbating. - ( moans ) - ( yelps ) oh no, two for flinching. hey, what the hell do you want? brad, i owe you an apology. i was wrong to judge you the way i did. i know what you are and i'm okay with it. so you better get your party clothes on, buster! 'cause i'm-a taking you as my date - to the high school dance! - yeah! hey, brad, be honest: do these cuff links make me look fat? what the hell, marsh, where have you been? the original band canceled and i need your band to go on. ( pants ) brad? what are you doing here? your kind isn't wanted. brad's our drummer, mr. structor. and if you want the gang to start this place on fire with burning music tonight,
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then you're gonna have to let him in. this seems like a perfect opportunity to let go of everything i believe in for a little bit of music. get on in there, ya snake! ( crowd chanting ) music music! music music! ( booing ) so! what do you think of my tux? cassandra, what are you doing? we're wearing the same thing. i just wanted to wear what you're wearing. - that's my thing, remember? - ugh, that again? well well well, if it isn't mr. i-can't-go-to-the-dance- because-i-have-eating-issues! a.k.a. dr. cheating-on-us- with-the-biggest-bully- in-high-school, m.d. marsh, what are you doing!? he's not allowed in here! - he's a bully! - you know what, blackstein? you're the one who's acting like a bully. crowd: we want the original band! students, i'm sorry to say that the original band canceled. - ( booing ) - boo! we want the original band! but we did get high school u.s.a.'s very own the gang! - ( cheering ) - boy: yeah, we love the gang!
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( boos, gasps ) - boo boo! - all right, all right, calm down. hey, you in the front, calm down, all right? just for a minute. let me say something. yes, brad is a bully. but he's also my best friend. sure, it was hard to accept, but brad didn't choose to be this way. if i grew up in that house with that loud, fat lady for a mom, i'd probably take it out on someone weaker than me too. - seriously, his life is terrible. - he's right, my life sucks. death will be a sweet gift. think about it: when you reject a bully, you become a bully. and no one likes a bully, blackstein. - yeah, he's right! - brad! brad! ( all chanting, cheering ) brad! brad! brad! a-one and a-two, and one two three four! ( techno music playing ) - ( phone chimes ) - oh, mr. popularity! heh heh. oh. it doesn't get better. it just gets the same.
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( beeps ) hoi! looks like the american takes this one. - ( laughs ) - ( speaking japanese ) - an ultra! - ( energy crackling ) ( rumbling ) - uh... - ( grunts )
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( rips ) - ( grunting ) - how long's this gonna take? - ( yelling ) - ( yawns ) ( rumbling ) uh, i think i'm gonna leave. see ya around, buddy. ( birds chirping ) hey, babe. did you win your fight? i don't know. i kinda left before ryu finished his special move. oh. hey, i've got a special move for you. you're gonna be a dad. r-really? babe! that's great news! ( music playing ) it is my honor and my privilege to announce our only summa cum laude student. please welcome mel masters. i just wanted to say - i couldn't do any of this without my father... - ( rumbling ) ...who was always-- what the hell is that?! - ( energy crackling ) - oh!


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